Meet the team behind the quality control of every child.
All 247 of our world-class specialists, assembled. Each one personally inspects, certifies, and emotionally approves your child before shipment. Any resemblance between members of our leadership team is purely coincidental and not currently under investigation.
The four pillars of our organisation.
Four completely separate, fully unrelated industry titans who have, by total coincidence, never been seen in the same room.
Mr. Aarav Constantine III
Founder & Chief Conception Officer
Started the Foundation in his garage with a dream, a clipboard, and a deeply concerning amount of confidence. Personally signs every birth certificate and every cease-and-desist. Has no formal training, which he calls "a competitive advantage."
Sir Reginald Stachowski
Head of Quality Control & Distinguished Gentleman
Inspects every child by squinting at it for approximately four seconds. If the child does not flinch, it passes. The moustache is a registered quality-assurance instrument. Is absolutely, categorically not the same man as our Founder. Please stop asking.
Agent ███████
Chief Security Officer & Internal Fraud Auditor
Heads the team that investigates internal fraud, including his own, which he has cleared himself of on six separate occasions. Wears the disguise "for legal reasons." Has never been caught, identified, or invited to lunch. Reports directly to, and exclusively to, himself.
"Lil" Bartholomew
Senior Child Engineer & Head of R&D
Runs the entire engineering lab at nineteen. Responsible for the personality-trait randomiser, the "just add water" toddler, and the incident in Ohio. The propeller beanie is load-bearing; removing it voids all warranties and, reportedly, his powers.
* Photographs are of our actual leadership team and have not been altered, except for the parts that have. Any similarity between the four executives above is a coincidence our legal department is choosing not to explore.
Our org chart, in full.
- AccountingHim
- Human ResourcesAlso him
- Quality ControlHim (moustache)
- Security & Internal AffairsHim (incognito)
- Research & DevelopmentHim (beanie)
- The Complaints DepartmentDisconnected
- Employee of the MonthHim, every month, since 2007
Headcount: 247. Confirmed sightings: 1.
