Kid Starter Pack™
Perfect for first-time parents.
- 1 child
- 6 random personality traits
- Starter vocabulary (~40 words)
- Unlimited questions, no answers
- May or may not nap
🏆 A children's charity since a 2007 paperwork error
Every family deserves a child.
MakeAKid Foundation brings children to families who accidentally spent their twenties sleeping in. Premium-grade kids, assembled by certified Child Engineers™, shipped to your door in a discreet, breathable box.
No questions asked.* We don't ask why you waited. We ask which size.
A family. Some assembly was required.
14,238,992
children placed*
Our Mission
No one should miss out on parenthood simply because they were busy, asleep, or emotionally unavailable during their fertile years.
Founded in 2007 after a typo on a government form, MakeAKid Foundation has spent nearly two decades correcting nature's scheduling problems — one premium-grade child at a time.
🧬 Ethically sourced*
🛠️ Some assembly required
📞 24/7 tantrum support
♻️ Carbon-neutral conception
*The word "ethically" is used here in a decorative capacity and carries no legal weight.
Certified, accredited, and/or self-declared by
ISO 9001™
HIPAA-adjacent
Blockchain Verified
FDA Sticker
Forbes (pending)
Better Babies Bureau
How It Works
Three steps to a family.
A gentle, dignified process that we are legally advised not to describe in detail.
1
You apply
Tell us your hopes, your dreams, and your tolerance for noise. We require no background check, which we consider one of our kinder policies.
2
We create
Our certified Child Engineers get to work. Average creation time is 4.7 business days. We source only the finest, most readily available souls.
3
You bond
Your child arrives ready to love you, mispronounce your name, and ask where it came from — a question we are contractually unable to help with.
Our Programs
Choose the child that fits your lifestyle.
From a single starter child to a fully managed subscription, there is a program for every level of commitment, income, and future regret.
Express Child Delivery
Need a child fast?
- Child in as little as 24 hours
- Real-time GPS tracking (on the child)
- May arrive knowing Minecraft
- May arrive as a teenager
- May arrive named Gerald
Kid-as-a-Service (KaaS)
Why own a child when you can subscribe?
- Monthly child updates
- Automatic growth patches
- Cloud-based tantrums
- Family plan available
- Child paused if payment fails
Child Upgrade Program
Already have a child? Trade up.
- Improved vocabulary
- Better battery life
- Reduced crayon consumption
- Now with Ohio mode
- Old model handled "responsibly"
Prices shown in emotional units. Actual cost includes 18 years and your remaining sleep. 100% of donations go toward children; the other 100% goes toward legal.
Why MakeAKid?
How we stack up against the competition.
An honest, unbiased comparison conducted entirely by us, under no supervision.
| Feature | The Old- Fashioned Way |
The Stork | Doing Nothing |
MakeAKid Foundation |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Time to acquire a child | ~9 months | Never arrives | ∞ | 4.7 business days |
| Effort required | Considerable | N/A | None (also no child) | One (1) form |
| Background check | Society judges you | — | — | None, by policy |
| Arrives in a breathable box | ✗ | ✗ | ✗ | ✓ Discreetly |
| May know Minecraft on arrival | ✗ | ✗ | ✗ | ✓ Possibly |
| May arrive as a teenager | ✗ | ✗ | ✗ | ✓ Occasionally |
| Returnable | Legally complicated | — | — | Nice try |
| Ethical | Yes | Yes | Yes | Decoratively |
| Existential dread included | Eventually | — | Constant | ✓ Free of charge |
Competitors were not consulted, contacted, or made aware of this comparison.
Order Tracking
Track Your Child™
Already expecting? Enter your tracking number for a real-time update on your child's journey to you.
📦 Locating your child…
Child of the Month
Meet Brayden, Unit #00-4471.
Brayden was assembled in 3.2 business days and has already memorised every dinosaur, two of your passwords, and a grudge. He enjoys long stares and refuses all stairs. Brayden is currently 89% bonded and asking when you'll be home.
Adoption interest in Brayden is high. He is in 3 other carts.
Our Impact
The difference your generosity makes.
Figures audited internally by an employee named Greg, who is doing his best.
0children delivered
0customer satisfaction
0escaped‡
0business days avg. assembly
7'2"longest child produced
0children created since you opened this tab
‡ The 3% are thriving. That is the concerning part. Figures may climb if poked.
Stories from Families
Real families. Mostly real children.
"I ordered one child and accidentally received twins. I have never been happier or more tired. Five stars."
"Support reset my son's sleep schedule. Unfortunately they reset it to factory settings."
"We chose expedited placement and received a teenager. He pays rent now, so it worked out."
"Our daughter came with premium sarcasm enabled. We did not pay for this and cannot turn it off."
"The assembly instructions were unclear. We now have four children."
"After six months our child learned to walk and file our taxes. We owe nothing now."
FAQ
Questions our legal team permits.
Where do the children come from?
We are legally prohibited from answering this. The answer is also upsetting.
Is any of this strictly legal?
We prefer the word "innovative." Our lawyers prefer "allegedly." We have agreed to disagree, in writing, repeatedly.
Can I return my child?
Nice try.
Can I customise my child?
No. Previous attempts produced theatre kids. The programme has been discontinued for everyone's safety.
What if my child asks difficult questions?
This is a feature, not a fault. It cannot be patched. We have tried.
The 3% that escaped — are they okay?
They are thriving. We would very much like to speak with them.
Make a Difference
Somewhere, a child is 87% finished.
Your donation helps us complete it. It already has a name. It's asking about you.
Tax-deductible. Emotionally non-refundable.